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around and around
I’ve been spending a lot of time wandering around inside my own mind lately. Mostly not by choice, but this endless winter that I keep whining about (I know) has made it less than possible to wander elsewhere freely. My mind has been covered in all these layers of grey that have now melded into a curtain. I cannot see clearly where I am going, and I’ve been in here for so long, trying to find a way out, that I have begun to bump up against the boundaries.
I have worked my way to the edges, made my way through this maze that offers no way out, and my frustration is showing. And of course that is not entirely accurate, there is a way out, but it is either up, or down, or by forging a new path, it cannot be found by retracing, again and again, those paths that already exist.
For a while, I wandered aimlessly, and that felt good, it felt like rest, it felt intentional, it felt planned. But now, I wander helplessly, fueled by angst and restlessness and this has begun to feel more frantic and frenzied, my feet travel too quickly, I keep my eyes down, I am constantly hitting dead ends.
Even the crumbs I’ve left to mark my trail have begun to criss cross.
And I am out of bread.
There is no part of this maze that I have not traversed, no pre-determined path I have not explored, and so, it is time to escape these boundaries, whether by flight or charting new territory or simply digging my way out from under.
I haven’t decided yet which way to proceed, which one of my options offers the most possibility, but at least I am able, now, to recognize the need to make a move. To go up or down or through a wall rather than walking in circles.
I must lift myself up, find a way through, or dig in my heels and get to work.
To soar or to excavate? That is the question.
Standing still is not an option.
Comments
I can relate to much of this. It’s time to bring back colour – one day, one action, one pause at a time.
I hope you feel better soon!
Posted by: Steph | March 7th, 2011 08:47
Oh, you do sound frustrated, but many times frustration can lead to new ideas and answers. I hope you find yours soon. Spring is around the corner and your world will open up again!
Posted by: Jillsy Girl | March 7th, 2011 09:10
Have you been peeking in my house? I feel the same way. I have half finshed projects I should finish, ideas to start new ones but no focus. I’m restless, tired, frustrated. I think this winter has greatly affected productivity, cabin fever. I’ve gone to art supply, craft supply and book stores gotten things that caught my eye and there they sit unused because I haven’t a clue what to do with them. Perhaps when outdoors can offer color, texture, scent we too will be reborn creatively.
I know my excavation must come in the form of excavation before I can fly. My studio is a mess and not being able to find anything does not inspire creativiy, just overwhelm.
Hang in there small steps we shall get through this.
Heather
Posted by: Heather | March 7th, 2011 09:16
Love the ‘soar or excavate’ question. I feel the same way. Given that my chosen word for this year was ‘soar’ I guess I need to work up!
Posted by: Kathryn | March 7th, 2011 09:41
Kelly this was a great post and reflects much of the place I feel I am as well. Maybe the long winter has something to do with it too.
There is a quote I learned a while ago, when I began my journey into personal recovery that has been coming to me again in relation to where I am on my artistic journey: “We change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater then the pain of changing”. After reading your post I am ready to really look at why I might be thinking of this again. Time to begin to move…..Thanks for your honest transparent post!
Posted by: Crystal | March 7th, 2011 11:20
i love the way the curtain obscures the colourful circle
Posted by: Krunal | March 7th, 2011 11:32
I walk through my house, and I walk through the paces of favorite places online, then I walk through my Tivo, then I walk through my To Do list. We are cycling constantly. That’s life, lovely. C’est la vie! In the summer, it’s easier… you can pull weeds but the winter, it’s time for mental weeding.
Posted by: Elizabeth - Letters from a Small State | March 7th, 2011 12:59
The answer will come to you in a flash at the perfect time.
Posted by: Jamie S | March 7th, 2011 22:13
Oh how your words speak to me:) I got my print in the mail yesterday…..thank you sooo much…I love it!!
Posted by: Leah C | March 8th, 2011 09:51
There are many including me who feel as you do, seeking something intangible that always seems just beyond reach. Are you familiar with the poetry of James Kavanaugh? You may find a kindred spirit and a source of inspiration from his thoughts and words.
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/288137.James_Kavanaugh
Posted by: Teresa O | March 8th, 2011 10:19
I have felt this way many, many times when working on a project, not knowing what to do or which direction I should go with it. By going around in circles, your brain is probably doing some subconscious calculating/weighing that right now is not completely obvious to you…but stepping back and away from the subject of such intense scrutiny for a short time might give your mind the chance to “excavate,” as you say. The answer is there…it just needs time to be dug out of the dark corners and dusted off, when the time is right. I’m one of those people who often has the “aha” moment while dreaming at night…does this happen to you? It’s amazing how the mind can work in a way that appears totally separate from our consciousness…
Posted by: Jen | March 8th, 2011 15:50
i vote for “dig in my heels and get to work.”
Posted by: yvonne | March 8th, 2011 17:47
i usually have to get pretty uncomfortable like that before i make a big change- good luck in finding your direction!
Posted by: kerri | March 9th, 2011 00:57
Sometimes the wandering endlessly round and round is exhausting. Just gotta let it go…
Spring will come!
Posted by: Marcie | March 9th, 2011 07:54
I feel as if you took these words out of my heart. I’ve been doing the same thing – and have only just recently made the decision to forge the new path. Wish me luck and I’ll wish you some, too!
Posted by: Barbara | March 11th, 2011 14:31